Thinking of you again..

I suddenly thought of what you've gone through when you were hospitalized. 

Trying your best to stay strong even though it's hurting inside. 

I still can't forget that look you had when you told me it's cold when you wore that oxygen mask. It is indeed put to the strongest because your oxygen level was low. I was so helpless looking at you and to have to leave you in that situation because visiting time was over. That was your very last words. Ever since, you were given anesthetic to rest your brain and... you never wake.

I remember there were one time, it was my turn to take care of you thoughout the night. I cried quietly. You were having difficulty to pass motion. I couldn't help at all. It was so difficult for you to sleep.Your mind wasn't resting. I just feel so hopeless. The next morning, not sure why, you suddenly shiver strongly. Nurses gave you double blanket, but you still feel cold. I wish at that moment I could understand how to make you feel better. 

There was once when you were able to discharge and were back home. I stayed with you at the living room because you have difficulty to go upstairs and I wanted to take care of you. That night, you barely made it to pass motion. I cleaned up after that. You apologize to me because you said you given me hard time. Honestly, I don't feel it's hard time at all. I was glad I could be your help.

 It hurts me more that I don't know what to do to make you feel better and I don't understand how you really feel. I wished I could exchange with you. Take your place instead. So you don't have to go through the pain. It hurts me that you apologize to me. I'm not even close to what you have done for me. 

If only you can still hear me now, I want to express my love and gratitude to you. I want to ask for your forgiveness for the times I did not listen to you. I'm sorry mom and I love you so much.