It still breaks my heart whenever I thought of the last word from my mom.
"I'm cold".
And I couldn't do anything to help her.
I feel useless.
Even the doctor couldn't help her.

I never hear a word from her since.
She could only nod or shake her head.
As the oxygen in the mask was too strong.
Then she was under sedative. When they had tube put into her.
She never woke up ever since.
Even 2 days after sedative was off.

Random advice

Kakak in my office came talk to me randomly..

"You jangan putus asa Joanne. Tuhan maukan dia. Tak mau dia susah susah.. Joanne masih muda lagi. Jangan asyik pikirkan dia. Nanti dia tak tenang. Dia tau. Dia nampak semuanya. Walaupun jasadnya tak ada, tapi dia tau keluarga Joanne macam mana.. dia tau... Rasa kehilangan itu. Kakak pun tau.. tapi kakak tidak putus asa.. Joanne kena banyakkan doa... Doa ikhlas untuk emak Joanne ", with Indonesian accent, and she keeps repeating the same context.

I was holding the tears back.
But she's right. What she says has her points.

I do feel better now.
Although I missed her.
But I guess in order not to make her having any heavy burden..
I suppose I should move on now.
Let her really go in peace.
It takes time. Slowly..

She'll always be in my heart. ^^

I can't...

zzz..
This feels like breaking up.

This is one break up that I never want it to happen. Ever.

Looking at her things.
Everything about her.
All her belongings, the things she used to own.
Everything she used to said.

Everything.
It's still lingering around me.
At times, I'll thought about her words,
even her expressions.

Everything reminds me of her.

Every where I go, I was reminded of her.
zzz..
Even at home.

If a 22 years relationship already feels like this.
What about a 30 years one?

I hope he's doing fine.
I'm more worried about him than myself.

Not yet.. just not yet..

It is still fresh in my mind.
That nurse said..
"Don't be too long. Otherwise when the body harden, it'll be difficult for us to do things"

I almost wanted to shout back,
"SHE IS NOT DEAD YET!"

But I have not lost my sanity to said that.
Part of me already accepted the fact that she is gone.
Part of me hoping it wasn't real.
This is all just a joke.
Some candid camera hidden somewhere.

I still have not move on.

Like a dream

Day 7. It still feels like a dream.
A dream I wish I could wake up from.
I could not believe it really is happening.
If it is a dream.
Wake me up now please.
I had enough.

It's one terrifying nightmare that I do not wish for it to happen at all.

posted from Bloggeroid