Feeling guilty

Sorry hubby if I've never cook for you much.

It's not that I can't cook. I just don't have the mood to cook. Especially when the kitchen is not mine and mother-in-law is around. Telling us "Don't eat this, don't eat that, it's not healthy"

How are you suppose that motivates me to cook?

My family never practice "healthy cooking", well, not till the extend of steaming all the food we eat, only eat vegetables and fruits, or bland food with less salt and sugar.

We eat how we want it to be tasted good.

I have the fear that if I've cooked while she's around, she would have "guide" me her way of cooking. I'm not complaining that I get to improve myself, but rather there's someone WATCHING you cook. I feel uneasy with that idea. Since I'm already uneasy, how are you expecting me to cook?

I've always dream that once I got married, I'll prepare breakfast for hubby before we go to work, come back from work, no matter how rush, we're able to prepare dinner together, have a simple dinner. That's not the case now. *glass shatters*

I wanted to try so many recipes I found online. I wanted to cook pan mee, pasta, salmon and at one point I even wanna make dumpling. It's troublesome, but I like to go through the process and hope for the best result. LOL. None of that ever happened. It was fun when I was in uni, we're all girls and we have crazy ideas of what to cook. We did pan mee, steamboat, home cook dish. Each take turns. So relaxed.

Even back at my own home, I sometimes cook dinner for the family, I don't feel pressured at all. I just wonder why I feel the pressure here. Maybe because MIL has been telling us to eat healthy and I'm always worried that I may not cook healthy the way she wanted and I'll get told off. Yes, I'm afraid of rejection and moreover I have the fear of being judged. I can never feel comfortable using other people's kitchen as my own. Each house has their own kitchen rules.

It's not like I've never tried to cook in MIL's house... of course my skill is not there yet. I did once before ask her to guide me and I'll cook. She ended up grabbing the spatula from me, "let me show you how", and just keep talking how I should do it and ended up cooking the whole dish anyway. So how's that makes me feel? Useless. That was when I'm still a "girlfriend" status. Since then, never will I want to cook when she's around.

Ahh, I can't wait to have my own kitchen, my rules, my food.

Sorry, I ranted.