It's been a year.

This time around in year 2013, I was busy going back and forth from home to hospital. From office to hospital during my lunch hour and from hospital to home after work. It didn't feel tiring to me at all. If time and situation allows, I wanted to stay by your side to take care of you. 

Nothing hurts me more than remembering your last words that you muttered to me. "I'm cold", when they put on that oxygen mask on you. Then they put you into sleep to lessen your pain. You never wake up ever since. Doctor said to let you have more rest, but you didn't wake up ever again after they stopped the sedation for 3 days. The final third day was the last day I saw you on the hospital bed. 

I feel so useless couldn't help you at all. I could't stand it when doctor gave us the news that your brain had swelled up even surgery is risky. "First her internal organs, now even her brain? What went wrong? If only I was smart. If only I was a great problem solver that could solve every problem in the world." I felt so helpless. I went over to look at her from the ICU's window. A doctor told me that he's afraid that my mom couldn't make it. It felt so surreal that I heard that from a doctor with my own ears. I thought that only happens in drama. I called my brother that instant to come back from JB. 

Doctor told us that they want to observe mom for some time and told us to go back. I went back to office eventhough I've already informed that I'm taking an EL. I need the distraction. I was wrong. I couldn't focus on my work. I received a call from the hospital few minuteslater after my meeting. A call from hospital. Breaking the bad news to me. 

Rushing to hospital and I wish that call wasn't real. I was wishing that things wasn't as bad as how the nurse described. As I reached to the room, mom was still on bed, motionless, 'sleeping' from the sedation. I told her to hold on, the rest of them have not reached yet. I don't know what else I could do. My mind wasn't thinking and not prepared. I didn't even record her favourite playlist on my phone. All I can do was hope that the radio plays some of her favourite song that time. 

Soon after the rest of my family reached. Mom still didn't wake. Moments later a nurse came in and asked us not to take so long. She was afraid that her body would harden and that would make their job dofficult to wrap the body. I couldn't get her at first. I can still see her blood pressure from the machine. It still has some response. Doctor explained later that it was the machine that's givingg the response. It wasn't from her. She had left the world some time ago but he didn't stop us from being in there. 

I cried as I stood outside the ward. A stranger lady after knowing what happened hugged me. I don't know what else I could do besides crying. I felt so useless. 

It isn't easy to move on. Even after a year. I have not moved on. Everyday I still have the hope that that was just a nightmare and mom has just gone for a vacation without us. That one day I would open up the door to see her sat on the sofa with her netbook playing frontierville and greet me with a smile. Then ask me how was my day at work.

30th July. The day you departed from worldly suffering. May you rest in peace in God's arms forever, mom. I miss you. I love you.